I AM GOING TO PULL MY HAIR OUT.
Alright, I installed ownCloud on nginx using the MySQL install option. Install went fine, database was populated, and admin account was added successfully.
When I go to login, everything looks fine: http://i.imgur.com/u33Me.png
Aaaand, here's the result after I login: http://i.imgur.com/N0ctk.png
Snippets from nginx error log (includes downstream PHP fpm errors) from when I try to access /remote.php/core.css and /remote.php/core.js:
And here's my nginx config which is pretty much word for word from the ownCloud documentation: https://gist.github.com/fbc1ed56c30b1efdd0b1#file-config
I've tried asking for help in the ownCloud IRC but it's pretty dead over there and I imagine at least a few people have experience running ownCloud on nginx here. Oh, and I tried disabling CloudFlare service for the domain and still nothing. And all the permissions are good to go (all owned by www-data and chmod'd correctly).
And, yes, I know there's some semi-sensitive information here but I trust you guys :) It's only my domain name and my personal, dynamic home IP. Nothing too exciting... Oh, and I guess where I store my files. And the location of my PHP fpm server socket.
If you guys have any suggestions, I would love to hear them!
Moved code to gists. Seemed neater.